Well, it's two months into the new school year. Normally, at this stage, I would be busy preparing for the upcoming Halloween Dance, and Remembrance Day Ceremony. This year, I'm preparing my first blog entry from a small rental property that would fit in the kitchen of my dream house that we just sold (but it is a material thing and really doesn't mean that much to me at all). My husband, Jamie, and I, moved our family "back home" to the little town we both grew up in. I type this rather fluidly and I know I should edit it, give it a few days, proof-read, then post. Tonight, I will let it flow out, while trying to remain somewhat coherent.
The decision to move home was not easy for me. I've tried for about three years to take a leave of absence and give it a go. Last year I actually built up the nerve to submit a request for leave. When I sent the email, I cried for four days and rescinded the request. I was a full time art teacher (a dream job) in a 7-12 school. It was hectic. I felt like September was a hit-the-ground-running kinda month that didn't let up till June. The days flew by and the relationships with my students made the fast-pace all worth it. I miss my "kiddies".
However, life takes us down different roads. I'm on a new path and I'm going to see where it leads. Maybe it'll lead me back to my job as an Art teacher, maybe I'll go somewhere I couldn't even imagine. Every other day I have to push down the fear of not knowing what lies ahead and forge on. A prevalent thought I've had since I've been a teenager is that I would never rely on someone for my financial survival. Lo and behold, here I am with next-to-no income wondering what the next step will be, relying on my hubby to hold the fort. Thankfully, my husband is not only financially, but morally supportive. He believes in me perhaps more than I believe in myself, at times. Or maybe he just wanted to move home so bad that he said whatever he thought would work to get me here (ha, ha). It is his desire to move back to our hometown that is my main motivation for being here. Throughout our 19 years together, we've followed each other around - I followed him to St. John's after being enrolled in the Visual Arts program in Corner Brook. He followed me to Halifax while I finished my Fine Art degree. I followed him to Ontario upon graduation. When I was accepted in to the Education program at Memorial University, I moved home while he stayed in Ontario. I intended on completing my degree and moving back with him but I ended up getting a job in Newfoundland so he followed me back to Newfoundland when I landed my position as an Art teacher. So it only seems natural that I follow him home. As hard as it is to feel reliant on Jamie right now, I have finally resolved to let my guard down (when I can relax long enough to do so) and enjoy the freedom I have to pursue my dreams, or at the very least, take a little time for myself. It seems very luxurious. Very wasteful. But I am also very thankful I have this opportunity. Not everyone can be so fortunate and I do realize how lucky I am.
It's hard to give yourself permission to be who you need to become. Talk about inner conflict! On one hand, I love teaching Art, and being in the classroom is almost magical. I don't think I was the greatest teacher ever to step foot in a classroom. There are many times I wish I could have done things differently. But I do know I cared about those fresh faces that came my way each day. Many days, I saw teaching Art secondary to teaching life lessons (lots of first-hand knowledge here). On the other hand, if I don't use my life to follow my own dreams, how can I inspire my kids (my actual kids, and my classroom kids) to do the same?
So here are my fears:
1. falling flat on my face (pretty big one. Like HUGE);
2. not accomplishing what I hope to (although this needs clearer visualization, I have too many ideas);
3. giving up all that I worked so hard to achieve, career-wise;
4. not becoming financially independent again;
but perhaps my biggest fear is this:
5. not being able to say I gave it a honest try.
Writing has always been another passion and it part of the dream. This blog will serve three purposes:
1. to share my ideas and goals;
2. to be an outlet for my desire to express myself in written form. I'm a little on the shy side, and find it easier to write ideas than to verbally share them.
3. to bring you along for the ride.
So let's go!!! How exciting is this?
Note to self: Next time, I'll have my goals (realistically) clarified so I can measure my accomplishments at the end of the year.
Things I love (in no particular order):